Month Four
by Crittab
Summary: Annie's fears during the fourth month of her pregnancy. Future fic.


**Title:** Month Four (1/1)

**Author:** Crittab

**Rating:** PG-13

**Spoilers:** None

**Genre:** Angst, Romance

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Community, yo.

**Summary:** Annie's fears during the fourth month of her pregnancy. Future fic.

**Month Four**

Annie was scared—more than she'd ever let on. Sure, Jeff knew that she was antsy, at four months that was expected, but he had no idea the extent to which she feared for their child.

Annie's parents' divorce came on the heels of her mother's third miscarriage. The stress, exhaustion and pain that it had caused them both had driven a wedge between them that could not be mended. Her father had tried to work on their relationship, but Annie's mother wouldn't let him touch her. She was afraid in the midst of her overwhelming disappointment and devastation of another loss.

Her parents had never kept from her what was going on, as some parents would with a child so young. She knew what was happening each time they held a small memorial around their family plot. The list of her siblings who had never drawn their first breaths grew seemingly by the day.

The first happened when she was nine. She and her mother had been so excited about the prospect of bringing home a new baby to join their little family. Annie wanted a sister—someone she could dress up and teach to do all of the girly things that she loved. Her mother used to regale her with stories of her own sisters—she had four, all within six years of each other. Still, as adults, they were best friends, or, built-in friends, as her mother explained; people who would always love you, always comfort you, and always seek your comfort for as long as you lived. Annie was desperate for that companionship. Even at nine, she was the odd one out at school. She longed for the day when she would have a real friend to share her life with.

Her mother had reached the end of her first trimester and was excited to get started on decorating the new nursery (much like Annie, her mother liked to get an early start on every project). During this time, life was good. Her father was smiling more, and it was the first time in her life that she'd seen her parents being openly affectionate with each other. It made her excited not only for the new baby to arrive, but for her own future with a husband and a baby on the way.

One day, just as her mother embarked on the fourth month of her pregnancy, something went wrong. Annie hadn't been let in on the details—all she knew was that her mother was in the hospital and she had to stay with her grandparents for a few days. When those days were over, her parents brought her home, sat her down, and explained to her as well as they could that there wouldn't be a new baby in the house. Annie didn't understand, but her mother's tear stained face obliged her not to seek clarification. A few days later they gathered around the family plot in the local graveyard where a name had been added: Amanda Elizabeth Edison.

Years later, Annie would learn the details about what happened to Amanda Edison. Her mother had fallen getting out of the bathtub and the trauma and stress had caused her to miscarry. In her discussion with her mother, many of the gory details had been left out, but Annie's imagination filled in the blanks.

It was two years after the first miscarriage when Annie's parents announced to her that they were expecting again. This time, her mother had already gotten through the often tumultuous first trimester, opting to keep the pregnancy a secret until they were more certain it would work out. Annie's enthusiasm was palpable—it didn't even cross her mind that this pregnancy might also end in tragedy.

Three weeks after the announcement, she stood in the graveyard once more as Anthony Jonathan Edison's name was added to the list.

Three years later, Ava Marie Edison became the third and final entry.

Annie watched her parents closely after her mother lost Ava. Her father spent more time at work, while her mother had withdrawn completely. She was short with Annie, and barely spoke with her father beyond perfunctory pleasantries at the beginning and end of every day. The air in the house was thick with tension and pain that they all felt suffocated by.

Annie wasn't even surprised when her father checked into a motel. She wished she'd had that luxury—an opportunity to get out of the home that had become a haven for despair. Her mother didn't say much of anything when her father stopped coming home. Each day followed a fairly consistent pattern of school, or, in her mother's case, housework (she'd stopped working in preparation for Anthony, and couldn't bring herself to go back after she lost him), followed by a wordless dinner and a long night of silent individual endeavours.

Annie found Adderall not long after her parents officially filed for divorce.

Annie wandered around the darkened apartment. It was well past midnight, and Jeff was sleeping soundly in their bedroom. She couldn't sleep. She hadn't been able to for weeks. Ever since her pregnancy reached the stage where all of her mother's pregnancies had ended, she'd lived in fear that the same fate would befall her child, and her marriage.

Jeff had asked her a few times if she was okay. She always offered the same stock response: "Just excited!" she'd say, and Jeff would acknowledge it with a quizzical, but otherwise accepting smile. It made sense to him that she'd be excited. Every time they'd discussed having children, she'd met him with excitement and enthusiasm—what he didn't realize was that this enthusiasm was a mask for the deeper fear that lived within her. Having children was something she had always wanted, but being pregnant was terrifying.

Now that she was in the midst of her own pregnancy, she wished she'd told Jeff the truth long ago. He could have supported her and made her feel that it would all be okay. He could have helped her through the scary patches and made her feel confident in her pregnancy and her marriage.

But she hadn't told him, and now she felt it was too late. Telling him at the four month mark that miscarriages were common in her family would probably infuriate him. He was so excited about the prospect of being a father, it would be cruel for her to pull the rug out from under him. So instead of sharing with him information that he, in all honesty, had a right to know, she kept her mouth shut and suffered alone. Jeff could enjoy this pregnancy enough for the both of them. She didn't want to ruin it for him.

Annie had settled on the couch, staring into the black screen of the television as if it could solve all of her problems. She barely registered a sleepy Jeff walking out of the bedroom until he plopped down next to her.

"Jeff!" she startled. "You scared me." She put a hand over her heart, feeling its rushed pace beneath her palm. He sat there a moment, looking at her with a slightly dazed expression before rubbing away the left-over sleep in his eyes and blinking them open as much as he could.

"What's going, on, Babe?" His voice was low and raspy with sleep. She shrugged with feigned nonchalance.

"Couldn't sleep."

"Again?"

"I guess I'm just too wired still." Jeff frowned. His hand found hers and squeezed it lightly.

"Anything you want to talk about?"

"Nope, I'm good." She smiled fondly. "Why don't you go back to bed? I'll be in soon." She noticed the way his brow creased as he settled his gaze on their entwined hands.

"Annie..." he let his voice trail off, as if unsure of how to continue. He continued after a moment, meeting her gaze in the dark room lit only by the glow from the moon through the window.

"I'm worried about you." She frowned.

"I'm fi..." He cut her off.

"Fine, I know. You've been saying that for weeks—and then you come out here every night and sit in the dark by yourself. So I'll ask again—what's going on? Please don't lie to me." Annie sighed deeply, her careful facade falling with each stroke of his thumb over the back of her hand. A heavy silence fell between the two as she considered her options.

"I'm scared," her voice was low, a mere whisper in the silence of the room.

"Of what?" She offered a one shouldered shrug and returned her gaze to the empty television screen.

"Of this." She gestured to her slightly protruding midsection. "Of what could happen."

"What do you think is going to happen?" His voice was low and steady, Annie tried to use it to calm herself, but found it futile. She let out a long breath and turned back to Jeff.

"You know these things don't always work out."

"What things?" his confusion was apparent.

"Pregnancies, Jeff. They don't always work out. People miscarry all the time." Her voice was a little louder now, and Jeff could detect a tremor within it.

"You're afraid you'll miscarry?" Annie pulled her hand away from his and flung both of hers up in a gesture of irritation.

"Aren't you?" she asked, turning her full body toward him. "Aren't you the least bit worried that this could all still come crashing down at any time?" Jeff shook his head.

"No, not really."

"Why not?" she cried. Her voice was now an invasion in the quiet place. It hung heavy in the air.

"Don't miscarriages usually happen during the first trimester?" he asked, clearly ill-informed on the subject. Annie let out an irritated sigh.

"Not always. There's still time—we still have five months left for something to go wrong."

"Well, that's a good outlook."

"I'm serious, Jeff. Why aren't you taking me seriously right now?" Jeff rolled his eyes.

"I'm trying to take you seriously, but you're being ridiculous."

"It's ridiculous to care about our baby?"

"It's ridiculous to let this fear you have take over your life, Annie. Yes, things can go wrong, but they can also go right. Yes, something could happen, but even if it did there'd be nothing you could do about it."

"Okay, so I shouldn't care that our child's life hangs in the balance because I can't control it?"

"I didn't say that."

"Yes you did!"

"No, Annie... look. All I'm saying is you can enjoy this pregnancy, or you can be afraid of it. You can spend the next five months looking forward to being a mother, or you can spend them stressing yourself out and making this harder because of something that could possibly, but probably won't happen."

"You don't know that."

"No, you're right, I don't. But I'm not willing to let 'what if's' rule my life."

"What if's are all I have right now, Jeff. I don't know how this is going to turn out." Jeff took a long, deep breath.

"Okay. Okay, I'm sorry. I shouldn't be trying to rationalize this—you're entitled to feel how you feel. I just... I just wish you were as excited about this as I am. We're having a _baby_ Annie. You and I—we're going to have a _family, _and for as long as I can remember the prospect of that happening scared the crap out of me, but with you..." Annie watched him work through his feelings on the matter, feeling herself soften as he continued.

"With me?" she prompted. Jeff scooted a little closer on the couch, settling his hand on her cheek.

"You're the only person I can imagine doing this with." She smiled sadly. "You're going to be an amazing mother."

"We have to get there first," she whispered, her fears continuing to wreak havoc within her. Jeff leaned forward and caught her lips lightly, lingering there a moment before pulling back.

"We'll get there. Nothing is going to keep mini-me from coming into this world and terrorizing you for the rest of your life." She laughed lightly at the image of a small Jeff Winger practising pick-up lines in the mirror. It was a future she desperately wanted to see come to fruition.

She let out a breath, trying to calm her nerves. She knew Jeff was right—fixating and stressing over the worst case scenario could only make it more likely to come true. She leaned forward and rested her head on his shoulder. His hand found its way into her hair, stroking it gently.

"Just tell me it's going to be okay," she implored him. He pulled her closer and kissed the top of her head.

"It's going to be okay," he said softly. She sighed and allowed herself to sink into his embrace. She didn't know if he was right—she hoped so. Either way, she knew that _they_ would be alright. Annie wasn't her mother, and Jeff wasn't her father. After four years together, and four years of friendship before that, she knew that this was forever, no matter what happened in the meantime.

She just prayed that little Baby Winger would be a part of the forever, too.

Five Months Later:

Logan Jeffery Winger was born one week and seventeen hours after his due date, but he was healthy nonetheless.

Annie never told Jeff about Amanda, Anthony or Ava.

**End**

_Thanks very much to shopgirl909 from Milady/Milord for graciously editing this for me at the last moment, and giving me excellent advice._


End file.
